Jeanne Needs Beano
by Roxius
Summary: A rather odd SK fic involving Beano, ridiculous paranoia and Ren X Jeanne all rolled into one. Please R & R!


Disclaimer: I do not own Shaman King.

Warning - This fic is purposely taking a rather humorous situation to a state of seriousness for all to enjoy. Or...I don't know. I was really bored when I started writing this...

I get ideas from really weird places sometimes. This one is slightly based off of the topic of a certain thread currently on 4-chan's /u/...

* * *

Tao Ren had a problem. It wasn't anything he could classify as a 'huge, monumental problem', but it was still definitely a problem. Even worse, it wasn't exactly the kind of problem you could talk to other people about. It was a rather...personal problem between him and his wife of 2 years, Jeanne. It was even more personal due to the fact that this problem came to surface especially when they were making love in bed. Not only did everything just mentioned make it an already very touchy subject, but the fact that it's really quite humiliating doesn't help. Ren was always hesitant in mentioning it for fear of hurting Jeanne's feelings, since she was actually a very sensitive girl. Still, since Jeanne seemed perfectly happy with simply ignoring the problem all-together, Ren knew it was up to him to take hold of the situation and try to figure out a way to fix it.

So he did.

"Jeanne...what exactly do you eat during the day?"

The silver-haired young woman glanced up from the sweater she was knitting to give her husband a rather confused look. Her beautiful, ruby-like eyes shimmered in the beams of sunlight breaking through the windows. Her face was as pale as ever, yet it had become a bit fuller since her marriage. She was wearing one of the many elegant Sunday dresses that Ren had bought for her for her birthday two months ago. If Marco had still been alive, he would have probably cursed the heavens for not having had Jeanne be born a few years earlier.

"...What do you mean, Renny-kun?" Jeanne replied, smiling softly at the silly little pet-name she had given her husband.

"What I mean is," Ren continued as a tiny sweat drop ran down the side of his face, "Do you...eat alot of unhealthy foods? Or...uh, foods high in polysaccharides or anything like that?" He was definitely treading in dangerous territory now.

Jeanne cocked her head to the side. "No...I don't think so...well, actually, maybe...I mean, I'm a practicing vegetarian and all, so I suppose I probably have...why do you ask?"

Ren paused for a moment to consider his words carefully. "Uh...you see, Jeanne...I'm asking you this because...it's about that 'thing' that tends to happen alot when we're in bed together...I'm sure you have no problem with it, but I do, and I really think that we should something so we can fix it-"

"There's nothing that needs to be fixed!" Jeanne immediately spoke up, suddenly on the defensive. She had finally caught on to what Ren was getting at now. She placed her unfinished sweater off to the side and got to her feet.

"Where are you going?!" Ren asked, his voice growing louder now. He stood up as well.

Jeanne took in a deep breath. "I'm...I'm going into the other room..."

"No! We need to talk about this! We can't just keep ignoring it, Jeanne! I know about this dietary supplement you can take! It's called Beano or something! It'll help you-"

"Stop! I don't have any problems, okay?! I...I'm fine as I am!!! I don't need any pills!!"

"Yes, well, you may think you're fine, but...I DO NOT ENJOY HAVING SOMEONE FART IN MY FACE!!! IT'S FUCKING DISGUSTING!!!! YOU EITHER TAKE THE GODDAMN BEANO OR I'LL STICK A DAMN PLUG UP YOUR ASS!!!" Ren screamed at the top of his lungs, his anger getting the better of him. For a moment, time seemed to stand still. The Chinese man instantly realized the mistake he had made the moment those words came out of his mouth, but it had been too late to stop it.

Jeanne brought a shaking hand up near her gaping mouth, and tears started to swell up in her eyes. Ren cursed under his breath; he had really stepped over the line with that one.

"You...Y...You..." The poor woman had never looked so humiliated in her entire life. She lost the strength to stand and fell to her knees, utterly heartbroken by her husband's cruel words.

"Jeanne...I'm sorry...that...that was really stupid of me...I didn't mean to..." Ren tried to speak, but the pained expression on Jeanne's face just made him feel worse.

"You...You don't understand what it's like, trying to buy Beano at the convenience store downtown!!!" Jeanne shrieked.

Ren had expected her to simply break down into wild sobs like usual. "...Huh?"

"God, it's like, how would you feel if you're a beautiful young woman with your whole life still ahead of you, and people see you buying Beano of all things? It's degrading!! I'll be known as the Beano Lady, for god's sake!! I don't want people to laugh at me...!!!" Jeanne whined, waving her arms about as she spoke.

"...Seriously? THAT'S why you're so upset?" Ren asked incredulously.

Sniffling loudly, Jeanne nodded her head. Ren sighed; sometimes he liked it better when Jeanne was an emotionless, slightly psychotic little girl living inside a torture so many years of living together, the silver-haired maiden's personality had taken a total 180.

"Fine," Ren stated, crossing his arms, "If it bothers you so much, I'll buy the Beano for you!!"

Jeanne's face instantly lit up. "R-Really?"

Ren nodded. "Yup. You better take it, though!"

Jumping to her feet, Jeanne ran over to her husband and gave him a big hug. "Oh, of course I will! Thank you! Thank you so much, Renny-chan!!"

Ren smiled, and he kissed his wife lovingly on the forehead. "Anything for you, dear..."

This sweet little moment between the married couple was soon interrupted by a rather loud fart. Ren could have sworn he saw the fumes rise from Jeanne's backside.

"...You better just go now." Jeanne said, whispering as quietly as humanely possible.

Ren didn't need to be told twice as he spun around and rushed out the door...

* * *

'God, I can't believe Jeanne,' Tao Ren thought as he entered the tiny convenience store, 'How could she be so paranoid as to allow herself to get freaked out over buying goddamn Beano, for Chirst's sake?! Ah, well...I better just buy it and head home before she stinks up the whole house...'

As Ren walked by the counter, he gave a slight nod to the employee, who nodded back in response. Ren walked aimlessly up and down the store's many aisles for a few minutes before finally coming across what he suspected to be the Beano. Deciding not to take any chances, he grabbed about five bottles of it before turning around.

That was when he noticed that the small old man at the other end of the aisle was staring at him.

'...Huh?'

The old geezer's beady little eyes seemed to almost be drilling into Ren's very soul. He licked his clammy, pale lips. The temperature in the building felt like it had dropped several degrees in that instant. Not a word was said, and two minutes later, the man continued walking, leaving Ren with a sense of both discomfort and confusion. Just what the hell was that all about?

'That was...strange,' Ren thought as he began to make his way back to the counter so as to make his purchase.

For some reason, though, as he drew closer towards the counter, Ren felt like everyone was staring at him and the bottles of Beano he held in his arms. Beads of cold sweat trickles down the back of his neck. If he focused hard enough, he was sure he could hear people snickering at him. Ren spun around, only to see that everyone was too busy with their purchases to even pay Ren an ounce of their attention. Still...Ren couldn't get rid of the nagging feeling in the back of his mind.

'Hmm...maybe Jeanne was actually right...they'll make fun of you forever...' Ren thought, wiping his forehead. He never once stopped to think that maybe he was just letting the paranoia get to him.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Here's your damn Beano! Now take it already!" Ren snapped as he stormed back into the living room, tossing the plastic bag onto Jeanne's lap.

"Oh...? What's wrong, Renny-chan?" Jeanne asked worryingly, "You took so long...and you look so flustered-"

"I don't want to talk about it...!!" Ren cried, storming up the stairs and into the bedroom. The poor guy was most likely traumatized for life.

Shrugging her shoulders, Jeanne glanced down at the bag, and after groping around inside of it for a bit, she took out a bottle of pepto-bismol.

'Ahh...he got the wrong thing...I think he needs to get his eyes checked...'


End file.
